A short story about shorts

Considering I’ve never played a minute of real rugby in my life, it may seem a trifle odd that rugby shorts play such an decisive role in it.

So decisive a part, in fact, that I’m going to dedicate a short brief concise post to them.

Because the continent of Europe needs to know what it’s doing wrong on the shorts front.

It’s a neat fit for my lifestyle here in Austria, you see. I work either at home or in nature. For environmental and cost reasons, I cycle everywhere. I like spontaneous eruptions of cricket practice to be a part of my day. Sometimes I kneel down in my garden without warning and begin to pluck weeds. I don’t have a butler to wash my clothes and I despise ironing. The less formal, fussy material in my life, the better.

Simply put, a bloke like me needs a tough, strong, stout, sturdy, practical pair of shorts in the summertime. Actually, any time it’s not freezing cold.

And that means three things:

·      Pockets

·      Thick, strong, material that can handle getting dirty

·      POCKETS!!!

You may have noticed that pockets are crucial. It is pockets that allow one to go places without carrying a backpack every single time. Taking a backpack just for your keys and money is a whole bunch of admin nobody needs. And if there’s one thing I loathe even more than ironing, it’s admin. Most of my energy goes into striving for a simpler life, and I've come to the conclusion that durable shorts with pockets are a key element in that.

But here is the mega-problem. If you live in a place like Austria, then the only shorts you’ll find with pockets are the expensive ones intended to look decent. Shorts for brave, leg-baring hipsters to wear on e-scooter forays. Probably pink. Shorts you’d prefer not to use for tending the vegetable patch or cycling several miles.

(And if you do cycle several miles in them, you’ll very probably end up with a hole in the apex. Because the material isn’t made for such sporty pursuits. It’s made for sitting about looking suave.)

Trust me, I’ve looked everywhere for the famer attire I know so well from my homeland. But the nearest thing to no-nonsense, practical, not-pretty shorts I’ve managed to find in Austria were soccer (shudder) shorts.

And oh, what an abundance of those you’ll find! But you’ve already guessed the trouble. They don’t have pockets. (Where are you supposed to store your mouthguard?) On top of that, they’re made of some glossy stuff that looks pretty keen on spontaneously combusting. They wouldn’t last a day in the real world. Any South African farmer wearing those would be laughed out of the platteland (countryside).

The long and the short of it is this: I’ve actually had to source my everyday shorts in sports stores in far-flung rugby-playing countries. Because somewhat ridiculously, it turns out that the garments I’m talking about don’t seem to exist in a secular, non-rugby context at all. Free State farmers are just lucky they happen to live amongst rugby fanatics.

With the exception of the French, it would appear European farmers enjoy no such luck. I suppose they just have to wear long trousers all the time. I feel for them, really I do. And for all the others like me, for whom practicality trumps having the right look. People who, if you want me to be frank about it, actually do stuff.

So if you’re one of those businessy types out there who knows how to sell things: there’s a gap in the market. Most of continental Europe, if not most of the world, is waiting to be shown that it needs rugby shorts. They don’t know what they’re missing, these poor footballing dears. You’ll just need to find a name that resonates with people who haven’t yet heard rugby’s gospel.

And please let me know if you do, because I’ll be first in line when your store opens! Travelling all the way to France to buy a useful pair of shorts is a stinking bit of admin, after all…